The World Cup as imagined by deranged lunatics

Some people think I'm a Luddite because I prefer to watch footy with mates and beer, either at home or in a pub.

That's right, I have no time for this ridiculous 3D nonsense or the streaming of matches on the Internet.

If we were meant to watch football wearing dark glasses and forever banging our lower legs into stout tables before crying out in pain, surely evolution (sorry creationists) would have left us with better eyesight and thicker shins.

The same applies to watching footy on a laptop just because some bright spark decided to charge you for the privilege. Football is a communal experience, not something to be enjoyed in groups of one.

Personally speaking, I've had more than my fill of these geeks who are always looking for some new way to enhance the viewing experience.

I actually prefer to watch a game knowing Wayne Rooney won't leap out of the screen and threaten to demolish my fish tank with his size 12 boots.

And yes, going out or having people round is better than watching a game on a computer or laptop by myself. They lock you up for shouting at your computer, whereas bawling at the TV is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Strangely enough, the people behind the latest futuristic World Cup idea didn't take any of these considerations into account when proposing their latest jaw-dropping viewing enhancement suggestion: holographic football.

According to PC World "Japan has announced plans to offer the 2022 World Cup not only in 3D but also in holographic form."

The idea is to capture all 360 degrees of World Cup matches using up-to 200 HD cameras, and then to "project life like full 3D images onto football fields the world over."

The journalist putting this horrifying vision together then asks: "What does this mean?" before answering "It means that potentially I could go to my national stadium (Wembley), sit down and see the game that was taking place in Japan as if it was happening right in front of my eyes - With holographic players moving around the pitch."

We really are in trouble if the people responsible for producing future World Cups think this is a viable proposition.

Call me what you like, but seeing someone who might or might not be Rimmer from Red Dwarf scoring a goal only to dematerialise in front of my eyes is not a pleasant thought.

Then there is the next logical step - holographic crowds. You think the ground is packed with humans until you notice everyone around you moves in the same slightly clumsy way as the players, speeding up, slowing down or occasionally freezing depending on the quality of the satellite link. They're holograms too!

We've come a long way since watching a match involved either buying a ticket or turning on the TV. I'll leave you to decide whether 3D, streaming and holograms represent progress or a nightmarish dystopian vision.