Gallows humour after Germany World Cup defeat

Good to see the English have reacted to the latest World Cup defeat in time-honoured fashion – by making fun of ourselves and the team. In a hundred years time, historians assessing the period will conclude that whatever the indignity, however painful the suffering, the English just don’t do revolutions. We find comedy much more useful. It only takes a few minutes to think up a joke and, unlike revolutions or civil disorder, humour is relatively painless. Unless, that is, you’re on the receiving end of stories such as:

“Police are asking for witnesses tonight after an elderly black man had several shots fired at him from close range and was left badly shaken”.

“Several Germans were thought to be responsible and the victim, a Mr David James of Portsmouth, was taken to hospital with mild shock”.

“It is also alleged that at the time of the shootings ten bystanders looked on and did nothing to help Mr James”.

Or...

The England team went out to visit an orphanage on Saturday morning. “It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible”, said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.

Or...

Video technology confirms England are very bad at football

And so to today’s final last 16 matches...

Paraguay v Japan (3pm)

Paraguay will definitely win this. Or Japan will. It’s 50/50. WIN for Japan.

Spain v Portugal (7.30pm)

Potentially one of the stand out matches of the tournament so far, which probably means it’ll be less exciting than Swiss Railway Journeys on Sky. Prove me wrong, you Iberian dandies. WIN for Spain.

The World Cup Bafana Bafana 2010 prediction success rate after yesterday’s games: 26/54

England World Cup 2010 special: looking ahead to Germany game

At last, a World Cup 2010 finals performance to be proud of: lots of chances, dynamic forward play, excellent defending, so many positives. England have given themselves a platform but sterner tasks now lie ahead.

And of course it had to be Germany, didn’t it? The old enemy, beaten in 1966 and then triumphant against us in subsequent World Cup matches (1970 and 1990).

Already you can hear the echoes of past defeats – the Germans are a knock out team, they’ll probably take us to penalties again etc etc.

Isn’t it about time we went into a game against Germany thinking more about whether we can win rather than the inevitability of defeat? England may as well go home now if they choose the latter course.

Yes, they are good; Oezil in particular is a major threat, and in Khedira they have unearthed a youthful successor to Michael Ballack. But Lahm aside, is the defence really that sound?

It’s all set up for a gripping Sunday afternoon. I personally can’t wait.

Who will join England in the last 16?

World Cup predictions for today’s final Group E and Group F games featuring Holland, Italy and Denmark

Slovakia v Italy (Johannesburg) 3pm

Prediction: DRAW

Paraguay v New Zealand (Polokwane) 3pm

Prediction: Paraguay WIN

Denmark v Japan (Rustenburg) 7.30pm

Prediction: Denmark WIN

Cameroon v Netherlands (Cape Town) 7.30pm

Prediction: DRAW

The World Cup Bafana Bafana 2010 prediction success rate after yesterday’s games: 20/40 (50%)

It's the last 16 in the World Cup - who should England try to avoid?

Imagine England are about to advance from Group C in first or second position. Whatever happens, Capello's men will still face a tough last 16 clash. Using the power of predictions it's time to look at who England might face and who is best avoided from Group D.

Analysing the 2010 World Cup provisional squad lists

I’ve just been looking through the entire provisional squad lists (yes, they have to do it all again by the June 1st deadline) and spotted some unusual facts and figures. Hope you don’t mind me sharing them with you.

World Cup 2010 predictions news

It seems as if everyone is jumping on the World Cup 2010 predictions bandwagon. The latest offering comes from UBS Wealth Management Research, which says Brazil will triumph this year in South Africa.

"Our forecast is based on in-depth quantitative analysis that places great emphasis on a country’s previous performance at World Cup tournaments," which is UBS speak for "we looked at past results and decided to plump for the most successful team in World Cup history."

UBS apparently predicted Italy would win the 2006 World Cup. What isn't known is whether they covered their backs four years ago in this fence sitting manner.

“Germany and defending champions Italy, as multiple world champions, are the two teams alongside record-holders Brazil that are most likely to win the tournament.”

Of course UBS Chief Economist Andreas Hoefert, the architect of this so-called "model", is wise enough to know there is a limit to this forecasting game.

"Successful predictions owe at least as much to luck as to expert knowledge," said Hoefert as he put on a coat made entirely from natural caveats.

One person who could do with a similar garment is Metin Tolan, the University of Dortmund physics professor who recently unveiled his mathematical formula which, he claims, shows Germany will win in South Africa.

Unfortunately for Tolan, he predicted Germany would win in 2006, which doesn't say much for his formula.

It may actually be more instructive to consider Germany as likely finalists rather than the winners. Of seven finals since 1954, Germany has lost five, whereas Brazil has lost only two out of seven finals since 1950.

Neither Hoefert nor Tolan mentions Spain or England. If you feed the word “Spain” into any World Cup model or formula, the answer is the same every time: chokers. England haven’t done much better since you know when. Will 2010 be any different?

A Handy Guide to World Cup 2010 Trouble Spots in London

Metropolitan Police analysts are to scour the World Cup 2010 tournament schedule for potential flashpoints among supporters in London. It’s almost as if a) they don’t know about my handy guide to places where trouble is likely to start b) someone is setting up the overtime rota for June and July.

Capello on Spain and World Cup 2010

England manager Fabio Capello has revealed his admiration of the way Spain play, which other teams he thinks are a danger in South Africa, and which England player has improved more than anyone else this season.

Is there anything interesting to say about the midweek international friendlies?

With 28 qualified nations in action last night (Tuesday) or tonight, including eight games between qualifiers and 12 others involving at least one team heading for South Africa, this is a good time to assess the usefulness of international friendlies. Is there really anything interesting to say about this week’s matches?

Speculation about likely World Cup bases

A Reuters report out today about World Cup bases makes for interesting reading, not least because some of the teams mentioned haven’t yet qualified and may not even do so.

According to this report France, Sweden and Paraguay have set up coastal bases, despite the South Americans being the only one of the three to have secured qualification.

The French have apparently booked a facility on the southern Cape coast. Coach Raymond Domenech must be thinking the play offs are an inconvenient but easily surmountable barrier.

Other teams looking ahead include Sweden, who have booked in at Durban, and Argentina, Germany, Italy, Mexico and the USA, who have all booked hotels or guest lodges in Pretoria.

Japan and Switzerland are heading for Johannesburg. Japan have already qualified, but the Swiss may not make even make the play offs.

England will allegedly be based at Sun City, although Fabio Capello and his team will probably wait for the draw in December before deciding on the location of their base for the tournament.

Xavi eyes World Cup contenders

Barcelona's Xavi has begun the job of highlighting the teams which might threaten Spain in South Africa next summer.

To nobody’s great surprise the 29-year-old has picked out Brazil, Italy and Germany. He also believes England and the Ivory Coast are potential dark horses.

“We have a superb generation of players, we have already qualified for South Africa and also have the experience of playing there,” Xavi told Reuters.

England, says Xavi, “appeared to have found a new swagger and a solid foundation for possible success”.

He also likes Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney, and said a defence including captain John Terry and Rio Ferdinand would be hard to penetrate.

“England were the big absence from Euro 2008 and I expect they are itching to show they can win the World Cup.”

England win World Cup tie on penalties shock

That’s right, some England players do know how to take a penalty... at the Homeless World Cup in Italy.

People who are homeless and socially excluded are enjoying a once in a lifetime opportunity to represent their country and change their lives forever.

This annual international football tournament was first held in Graz in 2003. 18 national teams took part. Just six years later and 48 nations have come together for Milan 2009.

The event now supports grass roots football projects in over 60 nations and works with over 25,000 homeless and socially excluded people throughout the year.

Teams from England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland are squaring up against the likes of Argentina, Germany, South Africa and Spain.

They play Street Soccer on courts 22m long by 16m wide. The maximum number of players on a team at any one time is four (three outfield and one goalkeeper). Halves last 14 minutes and winning teams receive three points. Drawn matches are decided by a sudden-death penalty shoot out.

In this year’s tournament England advanced through the Preliminary stage after winning four games and scoring 37 goals in Group D.

Yesterday the Secondary group stage saw England draw 3 – 3 with Rumania before winning a thrilling penalty shoot out. Earlier in the day the team had lost 4 – 2 against Portugal. Matches against Hungary and the Ukraine take place today.

After the Secondary stage, the teams are split into six groups of eight according to their results. England will be hoping to become one of the top eight ranking sides to play for the official Homeless World Cup trophy.

Let’s hope the players involved in a penalty shoot in South Africa can cope just as well.

For more on the Homeless World Cup visit http://www.homelessworldcup.org/

Anyone for jokes about towels on sun-kissed South African beaches?

Looking ahead to World Cup qualifiers in September – Part 4

Europe: Group Four

The ruthlessly efficient Germans are ruling the roost in this group. Four points ahead, with a game against closest rivals Russia on October 10th sandwiched between visits by Azerbaijan and Finland, would it be premature to start making jokes about towels on sun kissed South African beaches? Nope, didn’t think so. In summary, Finland and Russia are almost certainly hunting for a consolation play-off place.

Forthcoming fixtures:

September 5th

Russia - Liechtenstein

Azerbaijan - Finland

September 9th

Liechtenstein - Finland

Wales - Russia

Germany - Azerbaijan

Latest World Cup qualifying results

Spent some of last night ‘tweeting’ (2010bafbaf) goal news as it came in from around Europe. Discovered that if Croatia and Slovenia score around the same time, and one of the scorers has 17 letters in his name, you will run out of available space or 'characters' as Twitter fans call it. Lesson learned.

Europe

Group 3

Slovenia 5 San Marino 0

Group 4

Azerbaijan 0 Germany 2

Group 6

Belarus 1 Croatia 3

Group 7

Faroe Islands 0 France 1

Group 9

Norway 4 Scotland 0

North, Central America and Caribbean

Mexico 2 USA 1

Trinidad and Tobago 1 El Salvador 1

Honduras 4 Costa Rica 0

Costa Rica. What are you like?